Summer is usually my recommend for best season of the year. A glowing blue sky and sunshine always gets me grinning like a nerd fantasizing about marrying the girls at his favourite maid café. But there’s summer, and then there’s Tokyo summer. I was warned. Oh, how I was warned.
“Japan gets very hot in the summer.” (Very hot? In Summer?? What? How?)
“There is a lot of humidity” (OK, so my hair might experience some chia petification, but what else is new?)
Yeah, you know how everything is more…exaggerated in Japan? Summer is no exception. It’s like someone bedazzled summer with glittering beads made of heat and suffering. Every day I ask myself, why must everything be so moist? The air is moist, two minutes after stepping outside my socks are moist, my clothes are moist, my face is perpetually greasy as if I put on a Vaseline beauty mask every morning, and I am just generally marinating in my own juices at all times like the globe is a giant rotisserie, and we’re about to be the main course. Even now I can barely type because my fingers are so sweaty they keep slipping off the keyshdforwgnh. Dammit!
And before you go off on me with, “Ew, don’t you shower?” Yes I do, and right after I get out I am “dewy” again. And there is barely a breeze to be felt. It’s like the wind passed through Tokyo one day long ago, thought to himself, “Oh, hell no it’s too damn moist! I’m not touching that situation,” and left us all to the mercy of summer’s sweaty, groping palms.
Historically in these times of struggle the people would turn their attention to worshiping the God of coolness and comfort, Aircon. But alas, our saviour has been weakened by the devilish plotting and underhanded manoeuvrings of his nemesis, the evil trickster Tepco. So we must rise up, and seek our own sources of liberation. The rebellion starts now! Join me as Rebels Entering Liberation In Energetic Fashion, and become a R.E.L.I.E.F warrior™. Using our R.E.L.I.E.F tactics, we will violently yank Tokyo summer’s sticky, wandering fingers from our bodies.
Liberation tactic # 1: Get your CoolBiz on.
Coolbiz is a free pass to wear whatever you want* to work so that you don’t have to die of heatstroke, because that looks really bad for the company. Fellas, I suggest rocking this piece on the right at your next big presentation.
It’s not cheesy; it says you are a smart man who is serious about keeping cool. You’re at the head of the liberation front my friend.
*Dramatization: and I take no responsibility if you show up to work in your mankini and get yourself deported.
Liberation Tactic #2: Be a Platform Rat™
I lied when I said there was little breeze in Tokyo. There is one special time when the sweetest of cooling breezes traipses ever so lightly through Tokyo like a butterfly coming to rest on a flower covered in dew…disgusting, smelly dew. That time is when a train pulls into a station. That is one welcome wind but all too soon it’s gone, and what’s left is a train ride packed into a car with about 100 other moistened people as Aircon, in his weakened state, can only wheeze over us. So I say, why get on the train? Why not just hang out on the platform all day as dozens of trains go by, bringing their soothing breezes with them. Bring a blanket, a book and bento and (the three B’s of platform ratting) and camp out. You will notice people starting at you: again they are thinking how smart you are and committed to the cause of keeping cool. You are a true R.E.L.I.E.F warrior.
Liberation Tactic #3: Go bar hopping in Roppongi.
Go ahead, do it. If this place doesn’t send a chill down your spine I don’t know what will. Make sure to watch some charisma men going at it too (shudder). Aaaah, it’s working already.
Liberation Tactic #4: Nomihodai (All You Can Drink)
Hydration is an important part of keeping cool, so it is your duty as a R.E.L.I.E.F warrior to drink, and drink, and drink so more. Yes, Nomihodai usually refers to alcoholic drinks, but what better and cheaper way to keep filling yourself up with liquid? Every day? All summer? You’d be stupid not to do it.*
*I take no responsibility if daily nomihodai also results in the wearing of the mankini, and subsequent deportation.
OK my warriors, I’ve given you my finest liberation secrets, but I need your help. You’re a crafty bunch, and I know you have R.E.L.I.E.F tactics of your own, so stop holding out on me. What are they? Shoot me a comment and let me know…please?